tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
