Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
