Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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