burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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