It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
