I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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