I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Let's get the cat blown out
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
