just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
