I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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