Yo dont text me then not text me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
