it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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