You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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