watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
