A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Someone came in the potted fern
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
