drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
