does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
