pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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