At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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