no, he came in my armpit
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
