Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Even the bartender felt bad for me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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