My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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