And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i've created a new STD.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
