Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
