She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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