I puked a lego.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
