i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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