Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think my vagina is haunted
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
