Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
