mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
