if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
