Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
