he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
