Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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