i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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