i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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