if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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