Life is so much better after having sex.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
