how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
