Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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