Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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