There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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