A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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