You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
