We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
