Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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