He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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