this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize