i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
