did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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