All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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