I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize