You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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