We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
