hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
