wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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