So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
