Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
