Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
