You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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